A conversation at my office.
Rose: “If I was married to Johnny Depp I would be knocked up every year. He’s the cure for PCOS.”
Me: “Who knew Johnny Depp was carrying the cure for PCOS in his nutsack!”
Rose: “The cure for cancer could be in there too!”
While the director’s away, the kids will play. While our director is in PA helping Obama, a couple of us are enjoying a nice cold Sparks. I think we’re off to get more of something soon. Drunk day….and now to turn on some Tonic!
UPDATE
Quotes heard around the office:
If you can’t fit it your mouth, don’t chew it.
Owe. Did you hear that? That was my ankle.
I don’t think I need anymore…but I will.
Have you had you’re Joose today?
I’m fuckin’ wasted.
My boobs look great today!
Actual (partial) reason called in to miss work.
“Guess what I did last night? When I was pulling into the drive way I mistook the gas for the brake and hit my husbands car. I didn’t total it, but I did a lot of damage. Does this happen to everyone?”
Me: “What the fuck”
Alice: “What’s wrong”
Me: “My bra broke…my boob is like busting out the side. I have a lumpy boob!”
(Alice laughing, I go to call hubby in Tiffany and Sara’s office)
Me: “My bra broke, I need you to bring me another one”
Hubby: “I can’t, I have the company vehicle. Can’t you go buy another one?”
Me: “Hell no! I’m not going out in public like this! I have a lumpy boob! I would bring you new underwear if your balls busted out!”
(After much more coaxing and laughing from the office ladies, hubby decides to bring another bra, but refuses to bring it up to me)
Alice: “Angel, your hubby is here!”
(I run out to meet him in his all white van. Alice and Tiffany run to the window)
Alice and Tiffany: “Drug Deal!!!!”
(cut to me coming up and changing bras)
Alice: “How’s your tits?”
After many bathroom issues with Janice (see Part I)
Me: “I hung a sign about cleaning the toilet, what more can I do”
Alice: “Let me take care of it”
(I walk into the bathroom to see Mr Hanky, the Christmas Poo on the wall asking to clean the toilet and then straight back to my office)
Me: (trying not to laugh)”How about something that won’t get us sued!”
Alice: “Do we have a fire plan?”
Me: “What?”
Alice: “Do we have a fire plan? If there was a fire what would we do?”
Me: “Burn”
Alice: “Seriously, what would we do? There’s only one exit.”
Me: “I dunno. Ask John.”
(next break)
Alice: (frantic) “Jon, we need a fire plan. I think I should call the fire people and they would come up here and give us an escape route”
Jon: (looking at her like she’s lost her mind) “Um. I don’t know”
Alice: “It’s important! We need an escape route!”
Me: “We could throw down the mattress to Jon’s futon or break apart the chairs and use the cushions to jump from the window”
Alice: “I’m calling the fire department”
(Alice leaves the office)
Me: “I think she’s doing it”
4 Months later
Alice: “Do we have a fire plan yet?”
(Alice and I training a new employee on how to rebut an attorney that turns us down)
Alice: (pretending to be an attorney on the phone) “I’m not interested”
Jason: “I understand.”
Me and Alice: “You understand?!?!”
Me: “Yeah, our program helping the impoverished sucks, I understand why your not interested!”
(all of us laugh)
(After getting my nose pierced, I wanted to change the stud, but was too scared to pull the ball through. A group of girls go out to watch Marcy change my nose ring. I am visibly worried it will hurt)
Amy: “I’m videoing this on my cell phone.”
Nancy: “I’ll count to 3 and I will pull it out”
Me: “Ok”
Nancy: “1. 2. 3. (pulls it out rather painlessly)
Alice: “That sucked. I wanted pain and blood and screaming”
Amy: “Damn, that was a waste of a break”
n)
Remember this conversation from my first Tales from the Office?
(after taking a letter of termination to the mailbox)
Me: Shit! I forgot to sign it!
Tiffany: You better go get it.
Me: Do I have to?
Tiffany: It’s not official if you don’t sign it.
Me: Fuck!
(goes to the mailbox to get letter.)
Me: (while signing letter) PS. your shit canned.
(mails letter and is sitting in office working quietly for 10 minutes)
Tiffany: You really didn’t sign it “your shit canned” did you?
Well, here’s part II.
(I’m talking on the phone to a donor as Tiffany brings in the envelope that I mailed to terminate Brenda. The enveloped is marked “No Such Street Exists. I hang up after conversation)
Me: You’re fucking kidding me! That bitch won’t die! I cannot believe she made up an address
(takes envelope from Tiffany as she laughs; we both walk back to her office)
Me: That’s the address; is Duffson Street even real?
(Michael over hears us)
Michael: That’s a real street.
Tiffany: Open the envelope and look at her check (her last check was enclosed)
(opens envelope and looks and both addy’s)
Me: They’re the same!
(I throw both pieces down and slump into the nearest chair cursing loudly)
Tiffany: Um Angel? You wrote the wrong city you dumbass!
(yes, we work in one city and live in another, I am a fucking retard!)
I work for a very small not for profit as a supervisor. On a good day, we may have 10 people in our office, each with unique personalities. We are mostly a liberal group, but we have a couple of conservatives and even a religious zealot from time to time. A couple of single moms (one who thinks she’s owed everything), a 50-something woman with an odd odor and poor bathroom hygiene….oh the list goes on and on. Anyway, tonight will be the first (and maybe only) post about the classic moments in our office.
* Names are changed to protect the guilty. Conversations are transcribed to the best of my memory.
After finding fecal matter (poo) on the back of the ladies room toilet…the second time that day (Friday).
Me: You need to go in and clean the toilet and go home.
Her: Are you firing me?
Me? Janice! Did I say you were fired? Go in and do what I ask and go home…come back next week.
Her: But am I fired. I think you’re firing me.
Me: Are you listening to me, you’re not being fired. Do you understand why I’m upset? This is twice today!
Her: But it wasn’t that bad! (pause) Are you going to fire me?
Me: No, but if you keep on with this insubordination, there will be more consequences. Now, do what I ask and go home.
Her: I’m scared, am I being fired.
Me: (angry) No! You need to get out of my office, clean your mess and leave the building or I will have security escort you out. (we don’t even have security)
Her: That’s never happened to me before.
*****
Alice on the phone: Hello, this is Alice from Vagina’s for….I mean Virginian’s.
*****
Stacey on the phone: You didn’t get the email we sent? Hmm. Sometimes they get stuck in your sperm filter. Did you check there?
*****
Me (while on hold): I have a paper cut.
Tanya (while on hold, grabs my finger with paper cut and touches it to her paper cut): (demented voice)Oooh. We’re blood brothers.
On the other end of Tanya’s phone: (secretary) Hello? What?
****
Me: You know, I think I can Frankenstein some of these bad chairs together and get a couple of good chairs out of it.
Tiffany: Go for it.
40 minutes later and 4 chairs torn apart and scattered through the office and parts not fitting.
Me: Shit. This isn’t working the way I thought it would.
Tiffany: And to think it’s only Tuesday. What ideas are you going to have for yourself by Friday!
****
(after taking a letter of termination to the mailbox)
Me: Shit! I forgot to sign it!
Tiffany: You better go get it.
Me: Do I have to?
Tiffany: It’s not official if you don’t sign it.
Me: Fuck!
(goes to the mailbox to get letter.)
Me: (while signing letter) PS. your shit canned.
(mails letter and is sitting in office working quietly for 10 minutes)
Tiffany: You really didn’t sign it “your shit canned” did you?
****
(while glue sticking envelopes shut)
Me: Shit! Did it again.
Tiffany: Glued the letters to the table.
Me: Huh? Nope.
(turns around and shows Tiffany her fingers stuck together)
Tiffany: Ohhhh!
****
Me: John? Can Tiffany and I drink Margarita’s for lunch?
John: I don’t care.
Me: Really?
(John ignores me and goes back to his office)
Tiffany: Cool!
Me: We need the Margaritarator!
Tiffany: YES!
(both run to John’s office)
Me and Tiffany: Can we buy a Margaritarator for the office?
John: Just don’t drink and drive please.
(yes, he was serious)
****
(talking to Tiffany and I about the news that an employee was seen with track marks)
John: Drugs are bad. You shouldn’t do drugs. What is she thinking. Drugs are bad. Well, not pot. I don’t care if you do pot. Just don’t do it at work.
****
(After having a conversation with a very nice donor that accidentally donated twice)
John: Did you straighten everything out with Donor A?
Me: Yep. Told him he was a dumbass and to go fuck himself.
John: (laughing) What did you really say?
Me: I also said go to hell.
(I walk off…several minutes pass….John walks in the room looking worried)
John: You really didn’t say those things did you?
****
(me firing an employee who has been on notice for over a month)
Me: Nancy, I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go. Your production is not up to standards. You can have til the end of the week, but then we’ll have to let you go.
Nancy: Oh. I didn’t see this coming. Are you sure?
Me: Yes. I’ve made you aware of your production. John is being generous and giving you a week to stay while you find another job…if you like.
Nancy: Well how about this? Can I work part time from now on?
Me. You can work whatever hours you want between now and Friday. Friday is your last day.
Nancy: So moving to part time will not save my job?
Me: No.
Nancy: How about this? Can I work part time for four months while I look?
Me: What? No! You have til Friday. Friday! There is no negotiations on this, you’re fired.
Nancy: You mean I’m losing my job?
